My confession is failure.
I suppose there is something to be gained in failure.
Failure here on earth causes me to be weary of this old world and all its trappings. Through the regular exercise of my willpower, and the all-too-consistent failure thereof, I begin to desire something more. I desire something beyond my own doing; something I can't "screw up."
I desire the day when Up is Up, Faith is Sight, and Joy is not a passing thing. I suppose I wax "eloquent" when I take the matter I'm speaking about seriously. Forgive my foolishness, I just take grand situations for what they are. I'm often asked why I'm so dramatic. Actually, I believe overdramatic is the term used. I simply respond with, "This is life. If you can't find drama here, then where is it supposed to be found?"
Enough of my musing, and back to the subject at hand.
Failure. I fail often. Like Jacob.
I can never figure out whether the heart of Genesis 32 is that Jacob wrestles with God or if God struggles with Jacob. I suppose it's rather answerable when you read it. Does God struggle? Can He? Perhaps. He says He does. Perhaps the accepted notion of a perfectly somber and balanced diety is out of character with God? God help me, I do not mean to say by any stretch that God is "unbalanced" or in any way bad. However, perhaps He feels at such extremes that neither I nor any other mortal could ever concieve. Perhaps He's not the Stoic we have made Him out to be. Perhaps.
How does He feel towards me? How do You feel towards me Lord (let my heart be filled with reverence at the asking)? Do I break Your great Heart with my sin? Can one so small and insignificant as I make the True One grieve? How is that even possible? The "great" men on earth take pride in being unaffected by the jabs and hurts of those that are beneath them, but You, oh Lord? In this light, I reverently say that in the act of my sin I commit a crime of such depth and gravity as to crush my soul if I ever truly saw it for what it was. Forgive me.
Perhaps, in that hand that stretches out to father Adam, there is a Love unlike anything that Man can return. Perhaps the Love is deeper than we can know. Perhaps this is the same Love that You have for me. Perhaps.
Failure.
I look forward to the day when Up is Up, Faith is Sight, and Joy remains. I look forward to the day when father Adam becomes brother Adam, as we both look to the Father who Loves despite failure.
Please Lord, don't cease to wrestle with my foolish heart.
Grace and Peace to you all in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus.
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